Porphyrogene!

I have a compulsion to do with curly hair.  I. Must. Have. It.

It is difficult to put into words the base desire I have to be toting a noggin of ringlets - but I shall try.

I have been told a million times that curly hair = a lot of work.  I do NOT believe you. I think you are lying to try to make me feel better about having stick straight hair and to keep me out of your curly haired club.  I resent it.  Okay, so maybe when you roll out of bed in the morning, your curls look a little mussed. Mussed curls are romantic.  Mussed curls will give you flyaways that will dazzle as it will look like a halo surrounding your springy hair.   Do you know what mussed straight hair looks like? Mussy badness. Curled tendril-like face framing IS the essence of romance.  If I was a guy, I would ONLY be attracted to curly haired women.  The moment in movies when the guy slides his hand behind the heroine’s neck and through the back of her hair drawing her in for a kiss is ALWAYS made better when said hair is curly.

This urge started young and has carried me through hundreds of tactics for getting my hair to obey, some can be likened to the approach of a super suave secret agent, and some can be compared to trying to make icecream out of octopus parts [just a bad idea].

1) Hot rollers:

These have NEVER worked for me.  I have very little patience for singed fingers and burns on my scalp - but even if these injuries can be avoided or at least tolerated - I always get wimpy curls that turn my hair into something that looks like it COULD have been curly, but someone crapped out half way through straightening it - EVEN when I use heavy duty cementing products.

2) Foam curlers:

These work for me, to a point.  I don’t know how I do it, but every time, before I set my hair, I envision a mane full of glistening curls and psych myself up for an hour of pruney spray gel fingers and neck cricks. I then spend the night tossing and turning while sleeping on them, trying to convince myself that Foam curlers are just as comfortable as my pillow, even though it feels like they’re becoming embedded in my scalp.  Then I wake up as eagerly as if it were Christmas Morning and I carefully unleash… Shirley Temple Curls… on crack.

 She’s cute right? She’s also like… 5 years old. I’m 23.  If I wanted to be the spitting image of Shirley Temple post sticking her finger in an electrical socket, I would find a more interesting way to do it than sleeping on sharp rectangles of plastic disguised as innocent foam cylinders.

 3) Plastic Curlers with scary claw holders:

Barring sticking my head into a microwave, these babies did nothing beyond marginally DENT my hair.

4) Plastic Curlers with not-so-scary holders:

These, although worlds more comfortable than the last type of curler, were extremely hard, and much like sleeping with a pillow stuffed with saplings.  I do not have time to walk around during the day wearing curlers until, 12 hours later, my hair decides to conform.  I do have time to spend an hour setting my hair the night before, and sleeping on them for <8 hrs. and discovering what the Curls Fairy hath wrought.  This system relies upon the idea that I can actually sleep for up to 8 hours.  The whole  sapling pillow thing prevents that from happening.

5) Long Foam curlers:

These bendable foam curlers were going to be my salvation - they look perfect for creating spiral madness, do they not? However… my expectations were not met when, after setting my hair with them, I discovered that not only do all of them make my head feel like someone tied iron weights to my hair, but they also do not have any sort of fastening device.  If you do not wrap the hair JUST so… it will unravel, or partially unravel and then you will have pieces of hair half curled, and long strings of hair that are simply straight and it will come out lookling like this:

6) Vintage-esque curlers:

These were easy to set and not too bad to sleep on.  Now, if you can ignore the fact that your hair will look like a poodle perm that a poodle then chewed on… you’re stronger than I am, my friend.

I also tried the above in the variety with plastic arms. They didn’t fasten as easily or permanently as the rubber fastening version.  So the result was the same, but the process included bonus frustration.

7) Self-proclaimed Spiral Curlers

These, I recall, were like trying to sleep on the Devil’s fingers. Suffice to say… awkward and unpleasant. They also damaged my self-esteem.  As you can see, they come with a predefined spiral - Supposedly to make it easier for you to figure out how to wrap your hair around in a spiral, right? Wrong. It’s more to point out that your fat hair and your fat fingers can’t possibly handle the delicacy of spiral curls so GIVE UP NOW!!!

8) Plastic Rods: There were also these hard pink plastic rods that were about 5 inches long each that I had that I tried to use several times, and they always stuck out of my head like mini tree-branches.  It was like trying to sleep with a sea urchin for hair — also very unsuccessful.

9) Straws:

Using straws as curlers has facilitated one of my most successful curling attempts EVER.  It was a lengthy setting process - but I watched Gilmore Girls, so not so bad. It was SUPER easy to sleep on them and they were VERY light weight.  The actual curlers (the straws) were cheap - also a plus.  They barely shifted over the night, and when I took them out in the morning I had a bajillion tiny perfect spiral curls.  They were very tiny curls… which is why next time I want to try Jumbo straws, but it was an amazing experiene, and one I definitely intend to repeat.

10)  Perm-for-a-day

Perm for a day are these fantastic U shaped curlers.  I have had them since I was in 5th grade - so they have pretty good staying power.  They are also easy to set, light weight, and fairly easy to sleep on - though the older I get, the more difficult it is to have a good night’s sleep while where these honeys. Instead of a traditional round curl, your perseverance with these will award you with zig-zag curls.  They are quite 80’s/early 90’s… however I love them dearly.  They have a special spot in my heart.  And despite the fact that the queer eye guys would probably chastise me for still using them… I do - and I LOVE them.  Problem? one at time they have walked away over the years, and currently I am only left with BARELY enough to set my hair in BIG chunks.  Second Problem? They don’t sell them anymore!!!!! I KNOW!!!!!!!!! What the WORLD!

Before, during and after all of these different purchases of curlers and attempts to break my hair and bend it to my will… I have also tried curling irons and perms. Curling irons are my friend, but I am not so much a patient person, so the whole "I’m going to go curl every hair on my head and then watch them individually deflate back into straightness while I’m only half way through" gets to me - but if I (or some very talented Hair stylist) takes the time and has the determination, it can turn out VERY VERY well.

Perms, on the other hand, are an entirely different matter.  Perhaps in a separate entry I will chronicle the entirety of my Perm experiences, but for now I will leave you with this:  I have "bangs" that are 2 inches long now.  This is a vast improvement upon the bangs that were a quarter of an inch long and growing since my last perm that went straight after an $80 bill and 60 minutes.  It was a scarring experience, and we’ll talk about it later when I don’t tear up at the thought of the mini-mohawk that occupied my natural part for the better part of five months.